God is Cockblocking Me

It's been a while since I updated this mofo, but I got an idea today in church of all places, and recent events in the life of my friend provoked me to rethink my idea and I felt the urge to write it out. You see, my friend Tum is a dude. He told me tonight that he had a party and made out with some chick, and then she returned tonight and they did it some more. It's not very unusual, I don't think, but it's an event that seems to elude me at all costs.

I've got a lot of time to think in my life. In fact, I like to think of my brain as some sort of supercomputer (whether it is or not) because the amount of time I spend thinking leads me to believe that I can make like gillions of calculations all the time. Anyways that's not really relevant, except for the fact that my thinking all the time provides me with all sorts of plausible explanations as to why I can't find a fucking girl for myself. I'd wager that I spend a good 2/3rds of my time and thinking capacity on any given day on this subject. I'm always looking at chicks, like any other guy, thinking Hmm, she's cute, she could be the one.

But, I never come to any conclusions when I'm trying to figure out what I've been doing wrong. Believe me, I've gone through any idea I can think of, and while I can't be sure what it is, nothing I've thought of so far would rule me out as a candidate for a boyfriend. In fact, I think I'd make a pretty fucking kickass boyfriend. When I was in high school, my self-esteem was dropped. I came from a different school, didn't know many people and had some acne. Let's start with the first, I didn't know people, which meant more importantly (in my eyes) that people didn't know who I was, and if they had more exposure to me, they'd figure out how sweet I was. Next, the acne. I gave that a lot of credit for my troubles for a long time, until I realized that people with acne find some pretty fucking awesome people, despite it. Then in 10th grade, I was hit with some devastating news. Matt Rathbun jokingly made a comment about how big my nose was. I kid you not, I had never even thought about it. I always looked at myself from the front, and when I got home that day, I went to the mirror and sure enough, I've got a schnoz. Oh well, I'm more comfortable with that now, and I realized it's not as big a deal as I originally thought. So what else? Let's see. I dunno, I can be annoying I guess, I admit that my personality and humor can get a bit grating at time, but I also think that I'm generally in control of it and am at the very least, aware of when I'm getting annoying.

So, if you agree to discount these flaws, like I have, you can start to see why I'm confused with my current (and ongoing) predicament. At the risk of tooting my own horn, I'm gonna go ahead and list some things that I like about myself; some things that I think would be traits that a girl would like in a boyfriend. First of all, my sense of humor is my favorite thing about me. I think it makes me a fun person to be around, fun to talk to and overall is the makings for a good time to be had by all. Next, I'm fairly intelligent. I've always been smart, as long as I can remember, and I think it's the biggest contribution to my wit and humor. So far so good eh? I can go on! I think most importantly, I'm a nice fucking guy. I really am. I realized semi-recently that I rarely think of what I want first. I've always been a pleaser, doing what I think will make other people happy. People have told me that it's not fair to myself, and I've got to do for me more than I do. But I like the fact that I put other people first, and I like the fact that I'm not as important as everyone else. I think it's a good trait.

So what the fuck man!? I'm not as good looking as I'd like to be, but I've come to the conclusion that I can't use that as an excuse I mean, I wouldn't consider myself ugly. Uglier people than I have been much more successful at finding a person for them than I have. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm nice. Aren't those like the big three? Maybe it's the girls I'm going after. I mean, if I'm going after them, I obviously like them and think they're worth pursuing, but can I really have that bad of judgment? There are still very few examples of girls where I've been like "What the hell was I thinking?" The conclusion I came to in Church today, was that God was indeed cockblocking me. Yeah, you heard right. What might be otherwise good attempts at reasoble targets have been put to rest by none other than the big man Himself. I dunno if this is a substantial epiphany or just another attempt to rationalize something that I don't understand. There could be a couple explanations for this divine cockblock. One is that, shit, I just haven't found someone good enough for me. Another is that maybe I am supposed to become a priest, which has been something that has been tapping at me for years. But I dunno, I don't want to be a priest. I want a wife and kids and stuff, not to mention the fact that I've done some fairly unpriestly things in my day.

Whatever the answer is, I want a fucking girlfriend and I've been thus far deprived. Any ideas guys?