It's been a while since I updated this mofo, but I got an idea today in church of all places, and recent events in the life of my friend provoked me to rethink my idea and I felt the urge to write it out. You see, my friend Tum is a dude. He told me tonight that he had a party and made out with some chick, and then she returned tonight and they did it some more. It's not very unusual, I don't think, but it's an event that seems to elude me at all costs.
I've got a lot of time to think in my life. In fact, I like to think of my brain as some sort of supercomputer (whether it is or not) because the amount of time I spend thinking leads me to believe that I can make like gillions of calculations all the time. Anyways that's not really relevant, except for the fact that my thinking all the time provides me with all sorts of plausible explanations as to why I can't find a fucking girl for myself. I'd wager that I spend a good 2/3rds of my time and thinking capacity on any given day on this subject. I'm always looking at chicks, like any other guy, thinking Hmm, she's cute, she could be the one.
But, I never come to any conclusions when I'm trying to figure out what I've been doing wrong. Believe me, I've gone through any idea I can think of, and while I can't be sure what it is, nothing I've thought of so far would rule me out as a candidate for a boyfriend. In fact, I think I'd make a pretty fucking kickass boyfriend. When I was in high school, my self-esteem was dropped. I came from a different school, didn't know many people and had some acne. Let's start with the first, I didn't know people, which meant more importantly (in my eyes) that people didn't know who I was, and if they had more exposure to me, they'd figure out how sweet I was. Next, the acne. I gave that a lot of credit for my troubles for a long time, until I realized that people with acne find some pretty fucking awesome people, despite it. Then in 10th grade, I was hit with some devastating news. Matt Rathbun jokingly made a comment about how big my nose was. I kid you not, I had never even thought about it. I always looked at myself from the front, and when I got home that day, I went to the mirror and sure enough, I've got a schnoz. Oh well, I'm more comfortable with that now, and I realized it's not as big a deal as I originally thought. So what else? Let's see. I dunno, I can be annoying I guess, I admit that my personality and humor can get a bit grating at time, but I also think that I'm generally in control of it and am at the very least, aware of when I'm getting annoying.
So, if you agree to discount these flaws, like I have, you can start to see why I'm confused with my current (and ongoing) predicament. At the risk of tooting my own horn, I'm gonna go ahead and list some things that I like about myself; some things that I think would be traits that a girl would like in a boyfriend. First of all, my sense of humor is my favorite thing about me. I think it makes me a fun person to be around, fun to talk to and overall is the makings for a good time to be had by all. Next, I'm fairly intelligent. I've always been smart, as long as I can remember, and I think it's the biggest contribution to my wit and humor. So far so good eh? I can go on! I think most importantly, I'm a nice fucking guy. I really am. I realized semi-recently that I rarely think of what I want first. I've always been a pleaser, doing what I think will make other people happy. People have told me that it's not fair to myself, and I've got to do for me more than I do. But I like the fact that I put other people first, and I like the fact that I'm not as important as everyone else. I think it's a good trait.
So what the fuck man!? I'm not as good looking as I'd like to be, but I've come to the conclusion that I can't use that as an excuse I mean, I wouldn't consider myself ugly. Uglier people than I have been much more successful at finding a person for them than I have. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm nice. Aren't those like the big three? Maybe it's the girls I'm going after. I mean, if I'm going after them, I obviously like them and think they're worth pursuing, but can I really have that bad of judgment? There are still very few examples of girls where I've been like "What the hell was I thinking?" The conclusion I came to in Church today, was that God was indeed cockblocking me. Yeah, you heard right. What might be otherwise good attempts at reasoble targets have been put to rest by none other than the big man Himself. I dunno if this is a substantial epiphany or just another attempt to rationalize something that I don't understand. There could be a couple explanations for this divine cockblock. One is that, shit, I just haven't found someone good enough for me. Another is that maybe I am supposed to become a priest, which has been something that has been tapping at me for years. But I dunno, I don't want to be a priest. I want a wife and kids and stuff, not to mention the fact that I've done some fairly unpriestly things in my day.
Whatever the answer is, I want a fucking girlfriend and I've been thus far deprived. Any ideas guys?
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4 comments:
Well, I have never read anything you have written but found myself clicking on the link to your post on facebook...I figured you are always good at entertaining me the few times I see you nowadays so I might as well check your blog out.
Alex, I think you are a wonderful person that any girl with a good head on her shoulders would love to be with. You are all the things you said you are most proud of about yourself and so much more. God might be "cockblocking" you for a reason. It seems like life isn't treating you fairly and that fucking sucks. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and as soon as we stop seeking to fulfill ourselves, we find that God provides us with exactly what we need and even what we want. It seems like you are searching for a completeness you may only find within yourself. Maybe that's your lesson and why you are being "cockblocked". Maybe you have to be selfish for a moment to find what it is that's missing in you that would otherwise be bringing someone to you. I honestly don't believe you were destined for priesthood. You were destined to be the very man that you see yourself as. It's up to you to listen for guidance to bring yourself to that place. Maybe what I say helps and maybe it doesn't..Trust your inticts and have faith in God and in yourself. I hope you begin to feel better and that you find the girl who is your perfect companion because you deserve her and she will love you.
yeah dude, girls and their acquirement are still a mystery to me, despite the fact that I just made out with one and she actually likes me. To be honest, I have no idea how I pulled it off...maybe that's why it happens tho, perhaps the less you worry about it, the better your chances will be. I could go in length discussing this theory...but I gotta sleep.
Alex...
You would be a great boyfriend. There is no doubt about it. But I think you need to stop just wanting to be a boyfriend and start thinking about what you're really after. Why be a boyfriend? The company is nice, the comfort of being with someone, holding someone, kissing someone and having it mean something. There's the love and the fun and the sex (if you go that route), and the friendship. But there's also compromise and commitment and communication (3 C's...). There will be disagreements and fights and all sorts of complications to your world as you know it. There's that constant struggle to be aware of the fact that you could totally lose yourself in someone else and lose the life and friends around you. So you have to remember the hard stuff.
But truth be told... the good stuff definitely outweighs the bad stuff so maybe I just don't know what I'm saying to you. :)
I just don't want you to hurt and I don't want you to think about it so much. You're a wonderful person, and someone is going to see that and want to be with you. I don't who or when... but it will happen. I just feel it. :)
On a completely unrelated topic (sort of): you said something about how you weren't as attractive as you would have liked... hmm... funny to me because the other day when you were posing for pics at Tum's house, I said to Will "He could totally actually be a model" and he said "I was just thinking the same thing." Hmmm... interesting. Can't be that bad looking. ;)
Anyway, even though you don't say it to anyone but your family, I will say I'm pretty sure I love you, as a person and as the friend that you are to so many people. I care about you and want you to be as happy as possible. So... yeah. That's all I've got for now. I wish I had answers, but I think the only person who can answer these kinds of complex emotional questions about yourself is... you. Sorry buddy. :)
Peace and Love,
Meagan
well senor, first of all, let me say i would never have made jokes about your big jew nose if i knew you were actually self conscious about it. i mean, you should be proud of that honker. it's quite the achievement.
next of all, relationships kinda suck ass.
following up on that point, girls are crazy.
also, from my limited experience observing your game spitting, you try to hard and you can be a little too nice. i know its weird, being too nice is bad? but you know, and i know this might make some girlies angry, but saying a few offhandedly mean things can actually help you out in the pursuit of sweet, sweet tang. and im not talking about the stuff astronauts get. well i guess they get both kinds. so im not talking about the kind that comes in an orange powder.
but yeah man. if you go around always thinkin "i wants me a girlfriend" and talk to girls with that in mind, it's harder to get there. my experience with good relationships has been there is either a feeling of chemistry right from the start (that you both notice, and not the kind you feel in your pants), or else you end up getting together with someone you never planned on falling for but it just happened.
so yeah this is all rambly and probably essentially unintelligable but im not about to go proof read it if you want just talk to me whenever i got lots of cell phone minutes to use up and im on aim from time to time and i want to try out your new water pipe with some tobacco and also i should be living in east lansing soon so yeah
rock on
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