Dependency

I realized lately that my emotions are more dependent on everyone else's than on my own feelings. I can't be happy when I'm alone, and I can't be completely sad when someone's there with me. I need company and I need assurance than people that are with me actually want to be there with me. I've found out that if I don't have these, then I get weak and can't function until I gain back some confidence. A long time ago, I learned that what made me happy was making other people happy. It's sorta selfish the way it works out. I love entertaining people and making them laugh, but if I'm failing at it, then I'm not happy. So when I do end up making people happy, it seems like it's only doing it for myself. But, I never made the connection that I needed those people to make me happy. It's similar to when somoene around me is sad, and I get sad automatically. I don't want other people to be unhappy, and I'm unhappy until they feel better. This makes me entirely dependent on other people, and I'm starting to dislike it.

I'm starting to feel like I can't count on myself for anything and that if left alone I'll just freak out or something or get super depressed. I think my problem with neediness is bigger than I originally thought, and I'm kinda scared about what to do. One person can and does solve all my problems, but I can't expect her to do it all the time, or maybe even not at all. I don't know. I can't write anymore.